THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS
ONLINE PAMPHLET
DISTRIBUTE FREELY
TO *EVERYONE*
excerpted from SubGenius Pamphlet One and The Book of the SubGenius by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
edited by Rev. Ivan Stang of The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
re-edited by the Reverend Kareem du Gristle
of the Church of the SubGenius, Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench
(Modified by Reverend Modemac on November 18, 1995)
"Time Control? You've come to the right place..."
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ARE YOU ABNORMAL?
Then you are probably BETTER than most people!
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IF you suspect that things are much worse than you ever suspected-
IF the only thing you've been able to laugh at for the last 5 years
is the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore-
IF you sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that you're
more different than they could possible *imagine*-
IF you can possibly help us with a donation-
IF you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense of sick humor-
IF the current "Age of Progress" seems more like the Dark Ages to you-
IF you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion that will condone
megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are "above" everyone else-
Then... ___________________________
|\ /|
| THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS |
|/___________________________\|
could *save your sanity!*
- -Your secret wishes can be granted in full- *once you know what they are!*
"You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think."-J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, 1961
NOW, AT LAST! The step-by-step process is revealed! THIS IS IT!
- the only "faith" that promises
ACTION- THRILLS- SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS!
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Feeling like there's just no SLACK?
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You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease! ("The
sleep of reason begets monsters.") Look to the High Unpredictables of the
Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization!
Perfect your subliminal vision -edit your memory- *relive your reincarnality*
SYNC UP! THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now
MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping,
working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness, and
painful shortage of SLACK!
*Become a Doktor* of the Forbidden Sciences...make religion a kick-ass
adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| The SubGenius: |
| Patriot Personal Nurd |
| or Savior or |
| Alien? or Hero? |
| False |
| Prophet? |
| |
| Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass? |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Thought you'd tried everything? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET! Learn to
THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your *weirdest
dreams* to rampaging LIFE!
Stand erect for you own abnormality. WISE UP! *They're* out to get
you.
The "different" are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WEIRDOS
ARISE!! You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM-
something propped up there for you to *blame*. But did you know that the
*real* "powers that be" are not even *people*? That they are actually
shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS??
YES! JEHOVAH *IS* AN ALIEN AND STILL THREATENS THIS PLANET!
Defy the sinister "Star Forces" which mock us all. Evil demons have
kept the truth from humanity for thousands of years - God has been misquoted
all this time! His actual words may disturb you...but "Bob" Dobbs is a bulwark
against the unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting mankind. "There's no
'Prob'...With "Bob"!"
"Bob" is a way of life to *millions* - yet *half* of them don't even
KNOW it! He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how to
help you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the *only*
real Short-Cut to Slack.
SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON YOUR TV
"Bob's" promise is to widen the scope and nature of *abnormal
behavior*...to explore NEW WAYS of going over the edge *and coming back*. PLUS
to *bring back those who couldn't on their own*...to help you create the
HIGHEST POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the PSYCHODYMANICS of ABNORMALITY...
to turn Conspiracy-implanted personality disorders AROUND and channel them
into an ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY that will *fool normals* and GET YOU SEX!
As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you
will find your I.Q. increasing - your very cranium will seem to pulsate from
within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts and mental
skills. Soon you'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE *XISTS*, our
*mentors in space*; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into a *new physical
body*, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging mental and material
mutations that your brain now generates. YES - become and OVERHUMAN, a
dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet - because your SubGenius
roots can never be forgotten - you won't be able to abuse your powers, but
instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE, choosing always
to defend the oppressed SubGenius wherever they may be!
The world is a turkey, and "Bob" gives you the carving knife.
Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer!
Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE- overnight!
Attain STATUS-LUCK-PROSPERITY by *blowing them off*!
When you join this "Order of the Knights of Wotan,"
you get a mastery of *fighting skills*...good health, an attractive
personality, and a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS! To BEND THEM to
your WILL!
You'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTERY over FISCAL PLANES... the
OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER...E-Z ways to borrow money - from
*other people who don't have it either!*
Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT.
Our "ascetism" consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give
up the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no human has ever
dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that you
had forgotten, or that never existed at all.
CONTACT ALIENS BOTH BENEVOLENT AND EVIL!
The Church of the SubGenius the first and last stand against a
crumbling world filled with Pinks and Glorps.
"SURVIVE THE GREAT CATACLYSMS THROUGH UFO TRANSPORT!"
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THE CONSPIRACY!
The idea that America (or any country) values individuality as the
highest ideal is a myth. Perhaps in simpler times it was true, but no
MODERN industrial society can really afford a population of unpredictables.
This is not surprising -- the long history of our cult's persecution by the
Conspiracy goes back for generations untold, and indeed there are signs of
their hoary repression of prehuman SubGenii dating from BEFORE "man's"
appearance on Earth. All of civilization's painful and misguided climb up
from the primeval slime, and its subsequent loss of Slack AND OF ANY CLASS
AT ALL, has been indelibly marked, nay, ENTIRELY MOTIVATED, by the aeons-
bridging conflict between the Conspiracy's mindlessly chickenshit Witless
Principals and the Jehovah-spawned, grandiose depravity of the superior
yet ethnically all-encompassing race of latent SubGeniuses. (You should
know this -- YOU WERE/WILL BE THERE IN THE BEFORELIFE!) The fact that
only in recent years has "our kind" begun to recognize our own sovereignty
demonstrates both how vicious have been Their efforts at further denying us
Slack and yet now near is our race to TRIUMPH.
All this is ULTIMATE PROOF that Jehovah 1 has not only promoted
the SubGenius as His Special Tool, but has SIMULTANEOUSLY pulled the strings
which make THEM endarken Themselves with their hereditary ignorance AND US
with their cubistic witch-hunt superstitions. His "reason" for this
two-faced obedience-school programming, this fissioning of history into
binary "war equations," unfortunately, or, perhaps, thankfully, remains
at total mystery.
But Jehovah 1 is not alone in His cosmic meddling, for Earth has
been periodically visited for thousands of years by BENEVOLENT ALIENS of
such technical and psychic superiority that their powers, while no match
for Jehovah's, are nonetheless nothing short of "Godlike" to we roaches,
the Human Race. These BENIGN SPACE MONSTERS, the "X-ists," have walked
among us throughout history, investigating and sometimes resisting the
subatomically-pervading presence of Jehovah 1. We are not, then, alone
in our battle/subservience. The rise and "fall" of Atlantis, the
erection of the Pyramids and other monuments which NO SLOPEHEADS ALONE
COULD BUILD, the miracles of the Old Testament, all these and more are
events so inextricably interwoven with the invisible background war
between Jehovah and the Xists that all the "Ancient Astronaut" fossils
in the world furnish only the barest of clues. (The movie rights ALONE
to these gut-splitting tales of reincarnancient history are worth
MILLIONS!) Yea, it has even been suggested that the Carpenter of
Nazareth himself, God Jr., Jesus 'What, Me Worry?' Christ, was in
actuality a 'space detective' of the Xists, walking the Earth in human
form with the mission of extricating us from the Monster God's grip.
The black shadow of the Conspiracy, unfortunately, has seen
to it that even His teachings were diluted and distorted until human
attempts to follow them were fully as misguided as the carving of the
heads of Easter Island or the 'runways' of Nazca.
And so the true history of the SubGenius has been kept secret
from Man. For Jehovah 1 is to the Xists and Us what a hungry fisherman
is to a prize fish and his favorite pet worm - the last in the can. How
many million other races were used before us in these ghastly galactic
water-sports?
UNTIL NOW!!
For YOU are lucky enough to "live" in the End Times when the
Word of Jehovah's Prime Ordinance has been made known to "Man"kind by the
Primanimal SubGenius, the High Epopt of the Church!
In the early Fifties an industrious young American drilling
equipment salesman, while watching late-night TV, was abruptly REMOVED
and transported astrally to the 'IDGE' of JEHOVAH 1 HIMSELF! In this
seizure-like trance he took the brunt of the first brain-buffeting
communications of countless to come from the alien Jehovah: awesome
pronouncements which form the sacred PRESCRIPTURES of the SubGenius
(available for $19.98 at most bookstores!)
This milestone in Man's mined path to Slack was:
THE DIVINE EMACULATION OF J.R. "BOB" DOBBS!!
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| ascii rendering of |
| J.R. "Bob" Dobbs |
----------------------------------------
Who IS "Bob"?
While yet the least approachable or scrutable of the vast SubGenius
membership, he is the preeminent and most frequently invoked of the
godzillion PERSONAL SAVIORS of the SubGenius. While he remains an anonymous
executive shunning publicity or recognition at a faceless multinational
corporation, he is nevertheless The Most Ascended Master, the original
Retriever of Jehovah's Message on Earth and basic model of the Archetype
SubGenius. He set the "anti-pattern" of random conduct among all those
who are now practicing SubGeniuses. His are the defects and peccadilloes
that we 'analize,' his the SLONGS and the JESTS which we devotedly twist and
distort for future generations according to our unexplored whims. -- AND
YET the only photos of him that exist are grainy frame blow-ups from Grade
Z movie thrillers in which he played bit parts!
Dobbs is, of course, the ultimate symbol of SubGeniusness, but
despite/because of his infra-human mediumship he possesses one single failing
above and beyond all other shortcomings: his omninclusive FOLLIES. Yet
where they would be crippling stumbling-blocks for another person, in Dobbs
they loom stranger-than-life. His ten billion all-too-human quasimodalities
embody, in some cheaply symbolic way, all the Foibles of the Primate Race.
Dobbs is a miacrocosm encapsulating the imperfektions of the so-called
'human condition;' his Blunders and Idiocies, errors and inadvertencies
are perhaps more sacrosanct, more deserving of analization than even his
hallowed salesmanship. None of "Bob's" words or deeds are particularly
spectacular; their holiness lies IN their nondescript but inviolate
triviality. As Dobbs once 'spouted,' "THE STUPIDER IT LOOKS, THE MORE
IMPORTANT IT PROBABLY IS."
You too can can be a part of this WAVE OF THE FUTURE!
Make *strangeness* work for YOU!
Thought you were 'ordinary'? WRONG.
Tap your secret Abnormality Potential.
Take control through liberated weirdness.
RADICAL INSANITY!
You may be suffering under many potentially dangerous misconceptions
about the Church of the SubGenius. This isn't some small-time mail-order
comedy publisher working on a minuscule budget out of an anonymous garret,
but a powerful conglomerate of talented, wealthy professional abnormals
with state-of-the-art equipment, living it up in a downtown Dallas
skyscraper.
And that's only The SubGenius Foundation Inc. Our publications are
merely the TIP of a ROGUE ICEBERG of real-world activism by thousands of
uncontrollable "Zombies for 'Bob.'" IT'S WAY TOO LATE FOR US TO STOP THEM
NOW...the World SubGenius Church relentlessly replicates itself in
loathsome tenements, in basements and attics, in mansions and igloos,
everywhere, but grows like a cancer BEST right in the wholesome breadbasket
of America (and the REST of the world, too!). Packs of untamed SubGenii
run amok in sick "Gut Blowout" party/rituals; "Bob" rises leering over a
lurid post-1984 landscape like a transcendent, mutated Alfred E. Newman,
the "New Man," his Face stenciled on overpasses, the nameless cry of the
rebel forces -- "SLACK!" -- scrawled across abandoned 7-11s...
WEIRDOS: Feel smarter than those around you, but constantly stomped back?
Receive an unbelievable booklet for one dollar - just the cost of ten
trips to a pay-toilet! This pamphlet is chock-full of information on
the sacred rites of FORNICATIONALISM and EXCREMEDITATION, mind-blowing
artwork, and above all the first step on your path towards TOTAL SLACK!
A very simple deposit achieves *INSTANT SLACK* at a savings of *$5000!*
Unbelievably unusual pamphlets. Damn weird. Totally new.
Send $1 to:
The Church of the SubGenius
PO Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
and you'll NEVER be the same again...
THE SPACE BANKERS SEE YOU!
THE END IS NEAR!
COME GOOD ALWAYS!
Read the Holy Books of the SubGenius! All of these are available at most
major bookstores...and if you can't find them, you can order them from
those same bookstores with the ISBN numbers provided here:
$16.50 - THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS - ISBN # 0-671-63810-6
Published by McGraw-Hill. 200 pages, large, slick softbound
Horror Bible. You'll never have to read another book as long
as you live -- because you'll just sit, reading this one OVER
and OVER again. Holds all answers to everything; PROFUSELY
illustrated. Encompasses Life of "Bob," his prophecy, and all
the instructions you'll ever need for survival, Slack and
prosperity in The End Times. This is not some silly handbook
for Weirdos or mutant-people guidebook, but a WEAPON! The
words and images trigger certain primordial responses. It is
an intensifier of perception, it stretches your imagination
to the limit -- and POPS IT. You will then learn that no
matter how sure of things thought you were, you were DEAD WRONG
and GROVELLING is an ILLUSION manufactured by the "Authorities"
who secretly LORD IT over your VERY MIND. After that you
can continue to live in blithering normalcy, never guessing
what you're being fattened for. BEYOND 'HIP' OR 'FUNNY:' the
"Sistine Chapel" of the 20th Century. The book to go buy.
$15.50 - HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL - ISBN # 0-671-64260-X
NYES! The nonfiction encyclopedia of abnormality, published
by Simon & Schuster, brings you 300 pages describing the 500
most bizarre fringe groups on the face of the Earth, and how
to get their stuff for a 29-cent stamp. Like the Stark Fist
OTHER MUTANTS section, but with an even higher level of
sarcasm, more rants, and cornea-melting sample illustrations.
Covers the sickest and/or best of everything from UFO cults,
hate groups, and kooks of every stripe, to the most advanced
bizarre art, music, and comix. The ultimate Whole Earth
Catalog for SubGeniuses. Co-authored with Remote Control,
Waves Forest and Mike Gunderloy. ** WARNS ABOUT THE BATTLE
FOR THE MIND. **
And IN BOOKSTORES NOW! BRAND NEW!
$16.50 - *** REVELATION X: THE "BOB" APOCRYPHON! ***
The Last New Testament, our fourth book for mainstream
Conspiracy publishers Simon & Schuster, has been FINISHED!
"IT IS WRITTEN." This HUGE tome of PURE DOCTRINAL RANTING
and HIGH-POWERED GRAPHICS is the continuation of THE BOOK
OF THE SUBGENIUS (as opposed to an anthology like 3-FISTED
TALES O' "BOB")...the greatest story EVER told, so utterly
and relentlessly TRUE and SLACK-IMBUED that old-time
SubGenii, and newcomers alike, will laugh 'til their guts
bleed and befoul their pants in sheer astonishment -- and
JUST WAIT'LL YOUR PANTS GET A LOAD OF THE *LOOK* OF THIS
THING!! St. Paul Mavrides has done a design job that will
have you RIPPING YOUR OWN EYES OUT IN ECSTASY when you grok
the THOUSANDS OF INCREDIBLY DETAILED ILLUSTRATIONS!!! This
heart-stopping new "LOUVRE" of SubGenius art, which makes
THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS look like a JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
PAMPHLET or CHRISTIAN COMIC BOOK by comparison, IS HERE NOW.
LOOK FOR IT. Reserve copies at your local bookstore now!
(Doing so will prompt the stores to stock more of 'em than
they otherwise would!) Tell 'em you want REVELATION X by
The SubGenius Foundation, Simon & Schuster (Fireside Books),
ISBN # 0-671-77006-3!
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INSTANT SLACK FOREVER!!
Twist the Church for your OWN ends!! Become an ordained SubGenius Minister
and attain the secrets of the World Weirdo Network!! Cost: only $30!
DISPENSATIONS and INDULGENCES SOLD -- PAPALSHIPS and DOKTORATES granted --
FORGIVENESS and BLESSINGS DISPENSED! Read THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL and
learn not only the Word of Dobbs but also ways to contact, buy from, and
sell the incredible (yet REAL!!) network of SubGenii and SubSymps
everywhere. Learn of local revivals, other secret societies, UNUSUAL
PRODUCTS, Other Mutants. THIS IS NO FAKE. You get THE STARK FIST (they're
100 pages each, full of rants, art, Prescriptures, doctrine, charts,
filth, comics, reviews and CHURCH NEWS); plus Pamphlets, Catalog, posters,
documents, stickers, and a wallet-sized, legal-looking MINISTER'S CARD
granting you every imaginable right and excusing ALL SINS. THIS IS THE
ONLY WAY TO GET ON THE MAILING LIST OF THE CHOSEN, PIERCE THE SHROUD OF
SECRECY INSULATING THE CULT, AND OBTAIN SUCH PRIVILEGES AS BEFIT MEMBERSHIP
IN A SECRET SOCIETY OF THIS SCOPE.
If he hasn't seen your $30, you're still Pink to "Bob!"
You can find "Bob" on a radio station near YOU (if you're lucky)! Ask on
the Usenet alt.slack newsgroup for information about the HOUR OF SLACK
(hosted weekly by the Reverend Ivan Stang) or the PUZZLING EVIDENCE show!
News Flash! The HOUR OF SLACK has made it onto the World Wide Web!
If you have a sound card and the necessary FREE software, you can listen
to the Hour of Slack, or download it, just by going to:
http://www.upx.net/subgenradio/subgen.htm
You SubGenii on the Internet are especially lucky, because YOU can get
lots of FREE information on the Church of the SubGenius! (This stuff
is just a teaser, though...for if you want the REAL mind-blowing Truths
and Hell-spawned REVELATIONS, you've got to make sure your CASH is
flowing to "BOB!")
Give these FTP sites a try for graphic picture files and text files:
quartz.rutgers.edu /pub/subgenius
etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Quartz/subgenius
ftp.netcom.com /pub/pk/pkitty
ftp.lysator.liu.se /pub/religion/discordian/Subgenius
The word of "Bob" has spread far and wide across the Net. There are
now DOZENS of SubGenius World Wide Web pages exposing the TRUTH of the
Church of the SubGenius! You can try these for starters:
The Official Home Page of the Church of the SubGenius
http://www.subgenius.com/
Dobbs Web Watcher
http://www.bobwerks.com/index.shtml
The First Online Church of "Bob"
http://www.tiac.net/users/modemac/
The Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy
http://www.ionet.net/~bmyers/homepage.html
Radar Labs
http://204.181.193.34/
OGYR Network Online
http://www.prairienet.org/~saint/homepage.html
Reverend Jack's House O'Slack
http://www.radix.net/~revjack/
127 House
http://www.teleport.com/~house127
Uberground:
http://www.shadow.net/~bdb
You can check out Usenet newsgroup alt.slack for the weirdest time
you've ever had on the Internet!
So what are you WAITING for?!? Lease your soul to "Bob" today!